While stationed in South Korea my friend Bert Wallace created what he called “The Dude’s Rules”. They were created in response to his neighbor (Dave Brown) in the dorm. They shared a bathroom between their rooms (in AF speak they were “flush friends”) and Bert felt the need to enlighten Dave (also known as 1Db) about how dude’s act when one of them is in the bathroom.
1. Dudes don’t talk to dudes in the shower.
(The exception is in a locker room after a sporting event and you are all on the same team. Even then the talking must be kept to a minimum and only about the game.)
2. Dudes don’t talk to dudes while peeing.
(The exception to this is if there is a barrier in between but the dudes must keep their eyes focused upwards and at no time can there be eye contact).
3. Dudes don’t talk to dudes while sitting on the toilet. (There is no exception for this rule!)
4. It is perfectly acceptable to call a dude on the phone to get him out of the bathroom so you can use it.
(Yes Bert actually would do this to Dave if he felt Dave was in the bathroom to long.)
5. If there are three urinals are in a bathroom and one is being used a Dude will use the one furthest from the one being used.
(See rule #2)
We had a lot of fun with these rules while in Korea but it got me thinking about other rules Dudes should be following. Well some of these may not be rules; they are closer to guidelines I guess (much like the pirate code)
1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
2. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you, sorry.
4. We don't remember dates, sorry. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar and remind us frequently beforehand if it important to you or somebody in your family.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! (see rule #4)
6. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
7. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. This is especially important during sporting events.
9. Don’t EVER ask of us if an article of clothing makes you look fat. There is no acceptable answer to this so we refuse to answer this question ever.
10. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. This is important to the next rule.
11. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
12. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
13. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as women’s beach volleyball, muscle car vs. sports car, or BBQ. And yes “Nothing” is a valid answer to this question. (See rule #3)
14. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
15. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. We just want to get there, time is important to guys.
While I have to admit many of items listed above don’t really apply to me (most of the time) now, many of them did over my many years of dating and many relationships. It is always fascinating to me the differences between men and women and what is important to them. I don’t know that “men are from Venus and women are from Mars” but they really don’t think the same way.
